Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Fri Sep 03, 2004 at 04:35:04 pm EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #6: Intervention!
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #6: Intervention
By Neil Kapit

It has been a month since Nitz and Joan’s first date. Many other outings have followed.

With Nitz’s powers and Joan’s adaptability, they have travelled the entire world. They have been to a different area every day, far away from the confines of Parodopolis ( Nitz felt as though they’d risk being seen together ). They typically go to places very secluded, far off in nature and away from civilization. Today they are on a rocky mound near the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica. Nitz feels chills even with his full armor and temperature-regulating spells, while Joan wears little more than a swimsuit, immune to temperature variations. They sit and watch the penguins scamper.

“ Look at the way these penguins mate, Joan. “ Nitz explains, pointing towards a flock of birds. “ The male gives the female a small pebble as a token of his appreciation. If she accepts it, they mate for life. “

” Amusing, “ Joan states mechanically, making it unclear if she’s being sarcastic or honest.

Nitz reaches down below his feet, and picks up a small stone. “ Incidentally, “ he says, “ I wanted you to have this. “

” A small piece of earth matter. The meaning escapes me. “

” It means, I want you to be mine. I’m sorry I doubted you before, and I’m sorry that I treated you as a machine for all these weeks. You’re real, Joan. You’re real to me. And you’re very important. “

” This is a gift, then? “

” Yes. The most expensive one I could afford. “

Joan grins slightly at Nitz, and absorbs the stone into her hand, sinking it through her palm with no impression left. “ This is the only gift anyone has ever given me. I shall treasure it as long as I operate. “

” There’s one way you can thank me, “ Nitz smirks, raising an eyebrow behind his mask. He leans forward, about to kiss Joan, when his watch alarm goes off. The buzzing is quite disconcerting.

“ Dammit, “ he grumbles, “ We gotta go. Any later and my friends will get suspicious. “

“ When will you introduce me properly to them, “ Joan asks.

“ I’ll get around to it, I’ll get around to it! Tell you what, I’ll tell them when we go through the door... “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Nitz opens the door to his apartment, he goes into the kitchen, to find Zach and Tricia sitting at the table, glowering at him dubiously. Tricia holds a paper pad and a pencil.

“ We need to talk, Nitz “ she demands.

“ About what? The weather? Upper class tax cuts? “

” About your sexbot. “

” Sex....bot? “ Joan wonders aloud.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ Nitz shrugs, half-smiling.

“ Oh, come on, “ Zach hisses, “ Dude, we know what you’ve been doing all these days. We know why Joan looks human now, and why it’s not cleaning the house anymore. We just didn’t say anything because we thought you’d get bored of it. “

” HER, “ Nitz growls.

“ Whatever, “ Tricia says. “ The point is, we think that you’re in an empty, morally questionable, and potentially dangerous relationship. And as your friends, we want you to know how we feel. “

” I know how you feel. I don’t care. “ Nitz starts to walk out of the room, but Tricia yells at him.

“ Don’t you have the slightest bit of guilt about what you’re doing, “ she shouts. “ You’re making out with an APPLIANCE! “

” God dammit, “ Nitz screams, “ she’s not an appliance! She’s a sentient being and she loves me! “

” I think we all should calm down here, “ Zach meekly states.

“ Have you considered she’s just PROGRAMMED to ‘ love ‘ you? “ Tricia yells, waving four of her elm fingers to imitate quotation marks. “ That maybe she’s just following a prime directive? She’s a sextoy on legs! “

” Why are you being such a b*tch? For once, someone actually loves me! Why are you trying to ruin it? “

” Because a robot CAN’T love you! She’s just a machine! “

” Joan is an extremely advanced technorganism! She’s more advanced than any of you douchebags! “

” Hey, “ Zach shouts, “ What’d I do? “

“ You don’t even know where she’s from, “ Tricia screams. “ She could be a plot to kill you for all we know! Taking advantage of your incredible horniness to destroy us! “

” You know what I think, “ Nitz hisses, then shouts “ I think you guys are just jealous, because you two stopped going out and are stuck indoors all day, seeing each other daily but not actually saying what you’re god damn sure thinking! And you know what else, I think you’re just trying to ruin my own relationships to make you feel better! So to quote a great man, Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home! “

A brief silence follows, as everyone in the kitchen stares blankly at Nitz. ” This IS your home, dude. “ Zach claims. “ Quote doesn’t work in this context. “

“ Fine! Then I guess I’m leaving! “

“ Fine! “ Tricia screams, “ Go leave, you perv! “

“ Fine! “

Nitz walks away, stomping angrily on the ground, and opens the exit door only to slam it with all his questionable strength. Joan looks at Zach and Tricia, and states, “ I serve Nitz. I apologize, but I must go with him. “, and then turns around, stepping gingerly across the floor, to quietly open and close the door.

“ I think you were a little hard on him, “ Zach suggests.

“ I can’t believe the nerve of that guy, “ Tricia scowls. “ He’s the one sucking face with metal, and he has the nerve to lecture ME on my love life?! “

Zach holds a furry hand behind his head and looks away. “ Speaking of that, “ he suggests.

“ I mean, “ Tricia continues, looking away. “ I know Nitz is lonely, but I never thought he’d be so desperate as to go out with our robot maid! “

” Tricia, “ Zach states.

“ And the nerve to call me...that! I thought he had more class than to use a word like that! I can’t believe we even bother to keep him around the house... “

” TRICIA, “ Zach repeats loudly, putting a hand on her shoulder. “ I think Nitz had a point. Things haven’t been the same since we broke up. Now, I know nobody listens to me, they just brush me off, but I think we should talk. “

” I know, “ Tricia laments. “ But things just aren’t the same, are they? We’re not even human anymore. We’re both so different than we were before this Zeku stuff.... “

“ So? It’s not like we’re dating anyone else, or that we’ll ever date anyone else... “

” I know. And I still have feelings for you, and I wish things could be the same, but they aren’t. “

“ You’re lucky, you got the attractive form out of this. “

” Heh! Hardly luck. “

” So what do we do now? About us, about Nitz, about everything? “

“ I don’t know.....”

The room goes completely silent, as the humanoid lemur and the plant elemental stand around the table. For a room with no ventilation, the air is paticularly cold.

NEXT: Where does Nitz go now? Stay tuned.






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